About this time one week ago, we were walking into a hotel room to kiss our big kids goodnight. I curled up behind Christian as he was racked with sobs, knowing that Lennon was not coming home with us. A few minutes later, I curled into Chris' armpit and let exhaustion drag me to sleep. I'd just survived the longest, hardest, most sacred day of my life.
Nobody told me how easy and hard it would be to go on without Lennon. No one could have prepared me for the little things that would bring me to tears while the big things ended up being no big deal. This week has been full of conflicted feelings and words that aren't big enough to describe it all.
Why does the yellow stain on the ceiling get me more than taking down his hospital bed? Why did the clean shirts not phase me while his dirty sheets and clothes in the laundry pile brought me to my knees? We cleared out most of his equipment without any tears, but his folder, his pill box, and his neck collar made my heart hurt.
There is a gaping hole in my heart. I can feel the ache, the wind knocked out of me, the ceaseless yearning for him all day, every day. And yet, I'm able to genuinely enjoy the time spent with family and friends. My only sadness is wanting Lennon to be here too.
3 years, 2 months, and 16 days was not nearly enough time.
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About this time one week ago, we were walking into a hotel room to kiss our big kids goodnight. I curled up behind Christian as he was rack...
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