Billy Joel, Bunnies, and Bad Dreams

I don't care what consequence it brings
I have been a fool for lesser things
I want you so bad
I think you ought to know that
I intend to hold you for the longest time


I sang that song countless times to my boy.  I remember him being upset before his g-tube placement surgery. He was hungry and they were about an hour behind schedule. I wasn't sure if he was going to be able to relax before the procedure, but I started singing anyway.  No matter how irritated he was, that song calmed him down.  We would sit and rock, or I would stand at bedside and play with his curls.  It never failed.

Lately Billy Joel (and quite a few others from Lennon's playlist) have found their way to us. Twice in the last week Miss Nikki has sent me Snapchats of Lennon's songs.  Music has always found a way to speak to me, but it's even more intense now.


We are always thankful for the reminders of Lennon. Even when our memories leak out and streak our faces.  When summer first started, we'd notice bunnies in our yard.  We'd see them every morning and night when we walked. We'd see them when we were driving around town. We'd see them in places that didn't even make sense (Walmart parking lot?)  

Maybe it's just a coping mechanism, or maybe it is a coincidence, but it helps us get through the day.  


Our first month, things seemed to move forward, even though we weren't sure what we were doing.  The last couple of weeks, time has seemed to stand still.  It feels like he has been gone for a LONG time.  His life was so short and the days without him seem everlasting.  We dream about his last day over and over again. We relive the morning after, waking up knowing that he's gone.  

It's been just over 2 months, and we're still not sure how to do this.  

My heart hurts for all of us.


Thanks you to everyone who has checked in, shared photos, asked how we're doing, or offered their support.  The times we do best are when we're surrounded by friends and family.